If It Makes Them Mad, She Will Stay
by JigokuShoujosRevenge
Summary: Well Lulu annoys them, but she's sticking to them. Mostly cause Kakuzu wants to sell her to a brothel & Hidan wants to sacrifice her butt. But maybe Hidan will play nice since she seems to have Jashin potential and is more evil & annoying to Kakuzu.
1. Damn the World

In all the fair Water Nation lands a girl sits, peacefully, quietly contemplating HOW THE FUCK SHE GOT INVOLVED WITH THIS SHIT! I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK MAN!

Her name was Lulu. Her mother was drunk the night she was born, cause they didn't have any sedatives or drugs laying around. So Lulu got stuck with a retarded ass name, which didn't get her stuck in the mess. One second some freaky-ass bitch with jacked up chakra jumped right by her side. Harmless, really! Then some weirdos wearing matching capes or jackets or some matching crap and started attacking.

"Don't underestimate your opponent or you'll die." The dude with creepy eyes and a mask said.

"I'd like to see that." grumble the guy with the hot bod showing. Damn! Was he fine! Too bad about the guy bitching around with a three bladed scythe. WTF! Come on. I was taking a freaking walk and this shit has to happen now? I have that luck. The bastard jumped right beside me and stepped on my foot before noticing me. "Who the hell are you?"

Calm, collected. Approach this carefully. "I'm the bitch who bashed in your face." My head collided with his face and I was off travel in a forest. NOT! Some black thing dragged me back beside Freaky Eyes. I was left to dangle upside down. A whole fucked up battle took place in front of me and ended up with a guy in the middle of a circle with a stick up his ass. . . okay in his chest. But he whined like a bitch so he probably had one there.

"Can't you hurry that damn ritual up. Better yet. Don't and say you did." He was an impatient bastard and completely forgot about me. I could slip away and-

"Hey I don't like this anymore than you but I gotta. And can I sacrifice that bitch you're holding onto? You got no use for her."

"Oi, blood dude! Don't be that guy! Why don't you just let me go on my merry little way and-"

"Brothels would buy her from us. A lot people have Lolita complexes nowadays. We can get a good price for her. She too young to not be a virgin."

"Never mind. Be that dude. I'd rather be sacrificed to Jashen then get sold to some perv who's so fugly he needs to pay for a desperate bitch to give him any. So where's this thingy gonna take place?" Blood dude looked at me surprised.

"You know of Jashin-sama?" I read a lot of weird shit. Often. Maybe this'll work to my advantage. I don't know enough about these guys though. They look familiar. . . Where's my Bingo Book? B - I - N - G - O, B - I - N - G - O, B - I - N - G - O, and Bingo was his name- o. Was I singing out loud?

"We can get money outa her I'm sure. She's coming with us alive. And shut up. you suck at singing."

Hidan stared off into space. "Seriously like a cat drowning in eletrified water. And Kakuzu! She knows of Jashin-sama." He turned to me. "You a believer?"

"I'm sketchy. Never found a church to join so never could read up on it more. And I ain't no virgin. Lost that bitch years ago." They looked at me funny.

"You raped?" WHAT THE FUCK!

"Fuck you! I'm plenty attractive to get laid." Come on! Maybe I'm overly pale and look albino-ish (but my eyes aren't red.) And maybe I am flat chested. . . Not all men are evil fucks. . . They are not only pissing me off but worsening my mood.

"What are you 10?"

"!#& I'm 19! Mother-fucking asshole jack asses."

"Don't be a little bitch or we'll fuck you up." I doubt that little shit could even sneeze on me. Ain't Pride a bitchy sin.

"Like the money whore would allow that."

"What'd you call me?"

"She called you a money whore. And Kakuzu, she was right! Too fucking obsessed with money. That's why we're always late."

"Shut it. Ya know they did happen to invent shirts. . . " By now a giant scythe was headed towards the girls head. "Help Kazuku!"

"Thats not my name . . ." He held Lulu steady in front of him. Her hair dangle annoyingly everywhere.

"Man bitches." The scythe was still flying.

**short chapter. just a prologue. will update sooner or later. a better organized chapter. longer too.**


	2. Little Loli to the Rescue!

Well, what do you do when some moron cult leader dude throws a scythe at you? You move. If you're incapacitated at the moment? You take off your shirt and ensnare the weapon in that. I managed to do it, but I caught it more in the corner between the long blade and the staff part, instead of just the staff part, so yeah. My shirt was in three uneven pieces. I did this in a last second attempt not to die and my effort went unappreciated.

"Look at that. She'll fit in fine at a brothel so let's go."

"Doubt it. She ain't got much to show."

"Hey! I may be flat-chested but I have a nice pair of tits to make up for that!" They were nice and perky. "And someday I will have boobs damnit! Every chick in my family has had huge knockers that got them mistaken for prostitutes. I'm just a late bloomer."

"Now that you've accepted the fact that you'll be a hooker, can I put you down and trust you not to run?" _Hell no bitch. I'll run so fucking far away, by the time you catch up to me, it'll be the new year._ Of course I made sure not to say this outloud. . .

"Up yours money whore. You join the brothel. I'd rather take a crash course in Jashinists. Or Jashinites. Or whatever." Why were there so many possible endings to that religion stuff?

"Hey bitch! Show some respect to Jashin-sama. And you seriously wanna join in?" If it prolongs my child-like innocence from being sold. I've still got some charm.

"How about I just take the seminar? Then you can set me free to go visit a church and get my free membership. . . This is a free thing, right? I don't turn into Mr. Scrooge over there?"

"Fuck, no. I'll be damned if Jashin-sama forces his followers to go into some shitty toilets to toss a corpse for money."

" . . . The smell musta stuck to you, huh?" That weird smell. I thought it was blood and sweat and stuff, but I guess it could be lingering dirreaha.

"Put yourself in my shoes. I manage the money at our orginization. I _know_ the worth of a dollar."

"A lollipop and a blow job down the alley behind the candy store?" He doesn't get laid often enough. That alone would explain the bed reaction to my guess. He was trying to kill me with a kunai, but Hidan stepped in and protected me. MY HERO! (cue the bright lights and angelic sounds)

"Fuck off man. If your gonna kill her why can't I sacrifice her?" . . . Cut the music.

"I'm not going to kill todays income. I'll just hurt her until she learns respect." I am such a smooth talker as you previously have seen. Watch me get out of this.

"Ya know if you disfigure me in any way or any where the whore people will notice and my worth will go down." Oh, SCORE! He stood down.

"WHAT!? That it? Damn it fight! This bitch ain't all that right. How will they notice when she has her clothes on?" What the hell? I thought preacher man was on my side. Why'd he bother to save me?

"It's a brothel. They'll make me take my clothes off. They'll inspect me for damage." Kazuku dropped me and walked a few feet away. "Thank you Kazuku!" He turned towards me. He looked angry again. I wonder why.

"My name is Ka-ku-zu."

"That name don't suit you. It reminds me of you too much." When you hear Kakuzu you think of some random guy showing up to kidnap and sell you to a brothel and along the way he threatens your well being. So wrong. "So you are dubbed Kazuku. Preacher man, your name is. . . a man i will love forever if you help me get the hell away from money bags."

"Hidan. And I can't let him sell a Jashinist. Fuck you Kazuku and your money."

"I should really kill you one of these days."

"Come on and try."

Oh. That's why. "You're using me to piss him off, aren't you?" A breeze blew by. "I'm cold."

"Yeah and your tits are perky too. What of it?" It's his faut! He cut my shirt in half.

"I demand conpensation for my shirt! Gimme your jacket!"

"What jacket? Ya mean my cloak? Hell, no. It's cold and I'm not wearing a shirt. I don't wanna catch a frickin' chill." The bastard. Well I have a trick up my sleeve that goes below the belt. And it can have no good come of it, but it will get back at these guys."

"I'll make a scene."

"Go ahead. We'll kill anyone who tries to get near us. Then it's on your head."

"Suit yourselves." I took a deep breath and screamed. "Help these men are touching me in bad places and stealing my clothes from me. Someone help! They're making me touch them too! I'm only 9 years old! I don't understand whats happening! Someone-"

"The fuck!? Kakuzu, shut 'er up before someone hears her!"

"Funny. I thought I was Kazuku now." He showed no signs of planning to help.

"Come the fuck o-"

I got louder. "They're threatening me with knives and stuff. They cut up my clothing so I couldn't get back in them. I'm scared. They made my special place hur-" I was definately gonna get the hurt. Hidan finally got the sense to come up behind and grab me. But this worked in my favor because I was still shirtless while, now, being subdued by some guy. "Let. Me. Go. Now! Stop touching my no-no's." I made my voice all child-like. See? See the innocence? Hell YEAH!

"Damn it, shut up before-"

"People are already on the road and they see us. And don't look to Kazuku for help. He's long gone." I will so win. I don't get why he cares but whatever. S'all good.

"Damn it bitch! I am an S-class criminal whose has slaughtered thousands just for fun, stole the most important and valueable things to individual villages, and betrayed my own 'cause I felt like it. What I don't need on my reputation is me being a lolita child molester." His grip tightened painfully around my neck and ribcage. The bastard was pretty strong.

". . . Okay. I'm sorry. Let's go." He smiled smugly. He turned and began to walk away, while I finished my last look back at the gathering crowd. "Mr. Hidan S-class criminal said he was going to take me back to his hideout and force his dick in my pussy! But its okay! He promised me a puppy and lots of candy!" Everyone inched away at the S-class part and whispered amongst themselves. I turned back to stare at Hidan. He was running now. "Don't worry. Now everyone thinks you're a lolita child rapist."

"I hate you, so much right now."

"Why don't you kill me. Kazuku ain't around right now." I really was curious. You would think you would be killed on the spot for pretending to be molested. Unless, HE WAS GOING TO SELL ME TO THAT BROTHEL AFTER ALL! Aww, man. "You know. . . you smell a lot like blood. You must kill. . . what? Eight times a day?" I hope this was a version of flattery in his head.

"I ain't gonna kill you cause you didn't hear about Jashin-sama." Oh, crap. I'm gonna spend the trip hearing about a religion that only sadistic psychopaths use. I wasn't planning on that. I was planning on the two fighting over me some more until a fight erupted and I was long forgotten. A dustball in the wind. Fading away. . . Ya know, the brothel doesn't sound too bad, right now. I think I could pull a Houdini and be back in time for supper.

**Reviews make me smile and Hidan shut up.**


	3. Fun Learning With Jashin! Bastards

"Doesn't Jashin mean evil god?"

"Shut up. Now it's a sin to not kill, mutilate, and destroy things. You gotta do this on a daily basis, understand?" I nodded. I understand he found a method to his madness.

"Where does your religion stand on screwing your boyfriend before marriage. Or what about foursomes. We got these friends that don't like doing things by themselves. . . and they get scared _real_ easy. . . an-"

"Shut up. Now because of Jashin-sama, I have an ability that helps in battle. Oh, and Jashin-sama grants us immortality. So-"

"Ummm. I have to use the bathroom. Sensei, which tree is the little girl's room?" I would escape this. I didn't want immortality. In fifty years, I'll look the same! No boobs and my boyfriend wouldn't be able to get it up. Immortals are sad people.

"Shut up. By tasting someone's blood I can link to them and hurt myself to hurt them-"

"Suicide and cutting is a horrible thing. It makes people you know, not just you, hurt."

"Shut. Up. Relish that pain. It feels so goo-"

"A masochist, aye? You must look hard to find the kinky type of girls." Silence. A very akward silence. "Oh My God. I was right?"

"BITCH SHUT THE HELL UP!" He pushed me. Off the tree branch. The very high tree branch. I caught the branch below and jumped up. Hidan had stopped so I easily could kick his feet out from under him. He fell off like I did, only he couldn't catch a branch (not that a branch didn't stop him.) He stopped in such a way that . . . Well his fell and landed with a branch crushing his crotch. Times like these I relish being a woman.

"Is this the kind of pain you like?" He fell over onto the ground. ". . . Oh Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling. . ." That is a funeral song right? Oh well. "Hey, I'm gonna run ahead and find Kazuku. Maybe he can help you." I am SO running for it.

"I'm right here." Crap. "I know what you're thinking, so stop. And fork over 780 yen." He looked both pissed and satisfied.

"What! Why?"

"You'll pay for my services to him." How long has he been watching us? Is he an ex-stalker? Or a cat buglar? He musta saw me give the priest an accidental nutcracker. Which reminds me I want a sugar plum for christmas.

"You a doctor?"

"I stitch 'im up when nessacery."

"Not answering my question."

"880 yen."

"WHAT?! I- mean sure." I forked it over just like he asked. With a senbon. I know he hurt his hand. I saw the flinch. Small victories make me smile. The big one make me giggle. And, boy, did I have some big ones planned. And it all started with taking the money from money bags. . . WTF? I watched Kazuku lend his healing touch. While Hidan held his crotch, Kazuku kicked his side and told him not to be a burden.

"Time is money." And you shall lose all of yours. . .

* * *

We arrived at the little town of Bethlehem after following the brightest star in the north. We had traveled such a long way just to see the baby Jesus being born. When we came, the blessed vision of the angels and the animals gracefully surrounding all in a protecting manner. No longer were we forlorn. First Kakuzu went in. He patted the baby on the head and jacked a bunch of the gold and silver gifts. Then I went in. I kissed the baby on the cheek and slipped Mary a bottle of sake and shrooms for trips. Finally entered Hidan. He took one look around and massacred the whole thing. Just in time for Halloween.

* * *

I gave a little yelp as I woke up. "Fuck woman. Why don't you shut up."

"YOU! This is your fault you demented preacher thingy!" We did fall asleep in a town we stumbled upon, but we never massacred the nativity scene. We even stayed in a hotel. "You psychopathic fuckterd. At least now I know poetry. I guess."

"What are you ranting on about?"

"Nothing. Nevermind. Kazuku still asleep?" Hidan nodded, fingering his scythe. "Where does he keep his money?"

"Why?''

"Wanna go gambling. Maybe hit some bars."

He smiled at me, like he knew something I didn't. "Under his mattress. Not bedframe, mattress. And no suitcase." That's gonna be hard to steal. . .

"I'm on it." I got off the floor and hopped on Hidan's chest. "Gimme the scythe."

His eyes went wide. "Fuck no! Get the hell off me." I used my puppy dog eyes. "Get. Off. Or. Else."

"Immuned, damn. Come on! Just for a minute? I promise to give it back immediately when I'm done! Look take my blood and do the connecting jutsu thing. You can use it whenever you feel I fucked you over." The second I touched his scythe he might do that. "Please?"

"Fine." He jammed the scythe into my wrist.

"Hey careful where you cut. 25,000 teens die everyday because of slitting they're wrists. You can make the difference by noticing any signs of depressing and helping those people during hard times. Please don't let me be another statistic in the system."

"Half the words that come from your mouth, I don't understand." His lifted my limp arm and drank. Slowly. . . Then picking up speed when I tried pulling away. . . Then forcing me back by his side. . .

"Damnit it, Count Dracula, you're gonna drink me dry!"

He dropped my wrist. "You taste good."

"Whateva!" I so motioned 'talk to the hand' to him.

"Night." He rolled over on his side and tried to get back to sleep.

"You forgetting something?" I saw him smirking again.

"Nope." He was not holding out on me after giving him part of my Miss America standing! I forced him to roll over and sat on his chest again.

"Gimme."

"No."

"You_ drank _my _blood._ Give me the scythe." He looked about ready to kill me with it.

"No. I don't trust you. I only drank your blood so I can kill you whenever I feel like it."

"Is there a time limit to this crap?" He stayed silent. I looked down and and the bastard fell asleep. With his scythe in an iron-locked grip. "Fine. I don't need you." I turned and dropped to the floor. Crawling with my elbows, I inched my way over to Kazuku's bed. The bed frame and mattress were sewn together. Who the hell doess that? A carefully moved some of the stitching aside, snaking my hand in. Kazuku was moving. My arm was a pea. Kazuku was some fucked up princess. One wrong move and off with my head. . . Oh, wait. . . that part's from Alice in Wonderland so nevermind. I pulled out about 78000 yen. Money bags carried around a lot of this, he won't miss it right? I heard Kazuku waking up. _Crap! His money senses are tingling. . . or he's gotta tinkle._

I ran like a ninja out the room and went to the nearest bar.

I LIKE TO MOVE IT, MOVE IT! YOU LIKE TO MOVE IT, MOVE IT! WE LIKE TO MOVE IT! I was bouncing around, twirling and tossing my fists around. Alcohol was my friend.

**Not that funny a chapter but oh well.**


	4. Look at Lulu's Magic Diarreah!

I AM SO FRICKIN' AWESOME! I more than quadrupled the money I stole. I finally bought a shirt. (Yeah I was going around shirtless.) I have a separate pile of money I got from pitying bystanders thinking I was homeless and poor, wandering the streets aimlessly. The other pile was from gambling. I have a foolproof plan in winning games like that. I have a kick ass memory. I just memorize the cards when they're shuffled or notice the people's nervous habits.

I was currently moonwalking on a pool table. I ruled at all sports. I dared any and all to challenge me. My next opponent, Kazuku. Crap. I stopped moonwalking and used my pool stick as a joust as I ran away. The black thready thing attacked me again. I sneezed. Hidan's talking about me. Laughing probably. "Hey man. I got a present for you."

"Hey! Put the kid down! She wasn't hurtin' nobody!" A drunk bystander tried playing hero.

"That's okay. Daddy's just mad 'cause I snuck out of the house again. But Daddy! It's not my fault! The man who comes over for drinks, touches me in bad places when you pass out! Oh, Daddy! Please don't make me go back!" I placed Kakuzu in a very akward position. I freed myself from his loosened grip and hugged his waist. "I promise not to run away or steal your money anymore! I'll go sober and stop taking drugs and be your good little girl from now on Daddy! Let's just leave tonight and go somewhere else and start a new life. I'll be happy as long as it's you and me!" I moved away and took Kazuku's hands in mine and a beautiful sunrise appeared in the background, rising from a beach. People awed. I tried to keep up my big watery, heartfelt eyes.

"Uh. . . Er. . . Okay?" I hugged him again and followed him back to the inn. "You know, when we get inside, I'm gonna hurt you."

"I told you, 'I got a present for you.' Right? I was serious. You'll be overjoyed, too much so to kill me." He wouldn't right? We got inside the door with Hidan's head on a silver platter in the middle of the floor. He looked intently up at me.

"What the hell are you looking at? This is your fault, you little bitch!"

. . . He _sooooo _did NOT just call me LITTLE!! "I was kind, forgiving. I never purposely tried to hurt you. But no more. I will have my revenge, you pathetic _Satanist!_ (equivilant to an insult.)"

"Oh no you di-int."

"You. Deal with it later. This bitch owes me 78000 yen."

"I'm gonna give you 980,700, 876 yen. You know, so you don't kill me."

". . . YOU STOLE THAT MUCH FROM ME!? WHAT DID YOU LEAVE ON A FADING GENJUTSU!? Crap!" He ran to his bed with terror in his eyes and pulled out all his money and counted. "Jody, Ren, Hideo, Meguru, Ino, Itsu, Mari. . ." He trailed off.

"He names his money?" I whispered to Hidan's head.

"I-I guess. He never counted outloud before." Woah. I musta really upset the guy. Onto phase one of my plan of revenge.

"Hidan? If your immortal, do you still get sick? I mean if you lost too much blood, would you still feel woozy? Or if you stayed out in the rain all night, would you still get pnemonia?"

"What the fuck man? What part of immortal, don't you understand?"

"Is that a yes?"

"Yeah, but ya won't DIE. So what does it matter?"

I turned my attention to the psykidelic Kazuku. "Hey! I'm so sorry man. But I walked around outside pretending to be a poor homeless chick. People here are rich and pitying." And then his heart grew two times that day. Whatever. . . The point being I got on his goodside. I needed it for my next stunt. "I want to make it up to you guys. I have some money of my own, so let me buy dinner."

"Bitch! Don't ignore me!"

"Fine." Kazuku brought his thready stuff out and began to sew Hidan's head onto his shoulders. "Buy something good."

"Not you too!"

"I promise. I-"

"Kakuzu used to sleep with a stuffed piggy!" Hidan was trying to direct attention to him.

"-'ll take the upmost care in preparing it."

"Better not taste like shit." Hidan finally gave up.

"I understand Hidan-sama. Thank you, Kakuzu-sama." If these bitches didn't know I was up to something, they were retards. I wished I could see Hidan's face when he gets whats coming to him. But I won't. I made a quick detour to the bathroom and made a mental note that I need to buy air fresheners.

I bought food. Celery, potatoes, lettuce, pork, sushi, tomatoes, soap, and all that stuff. Then I went to the hotel's kitchen. I put many thing together to make delicious looking and tasting treats. I organized, delicately, chopped and carved, and cooked. I neatly put the kidnapper's meal in separate containers to decide how they'll fit best. I ate my fill and smiled at the aroma blending with the taste creating an explosion of flavor. Then I dumped their food in soapy water. "Whoops!" I took it out and dried it the best I could and put them back in the containers like nothing had happened.

I took it back to the room feigning innocence. I watched them eat them food, saying it tasted weird and I was a crappy chef. Food smacked around their mouths, and by the way, Kazuku's new nickname is stitches. . . Then it happened. It was thirty minutes after the meal, but I enjoyed the slow agonizing wait. It started as a few innocent farts and weird stomach groans. Then sqeals and stomach pains. Then Hidan screamed, "I have to take a shit!" Yes. I gave them ALL THE SHITS!! BWAHAHA! Except for Kakuzu. He got up and said he was going to remove his stomach and intestines, whatever that meant. I heard a flush.

"Hey Hidan how you doing?" I twirled a roll of toilet paper around my finger.

"More toilet paper! There is none! Medicine! Toilets that flush faster! Bitch give me something." A flush. "I feel like my organs are being forced out my ass."

"Huh. There is absolutely no toilet paper in there?" A flush. "Weird. . . I thought bathrooms in hotels are stocked regularly. And how did you get sick? It is just not your day!" A flush. I shook my shoulder while refraining a smile. Like he could see that.

"Y-you!"A flush. And then I heard a very odd noise. . . A very very very- "Oh My Fucking God!"

"What the hell is that smell?!" I covered my nose.

"Just tell me what you did! What was in the food?!" I could, but then it wouldn't be revenge. Another flush.

"Sorry Hidan. It would go against. . . Jashin to tell you. Oh and beware. The toilet seemed noisy before I went out for food."

"So? Who gives a damn?"

"So I tried to fix it, but I don't think I did that great a job. Just don't be surprised if you flush too often it starts backing up and overflowing." A weird groaning stretching sound emitted from the bathroom.

"OH MY MOTHER FUCKING GOD! JASHIN SAVE ME!"

"Now you know not to call me short. . . Gotta go!" Brown water was seeping out from under the door. I didn't even bother to leave him the mercy of the air freshener. I needed it more than him. _He _was the immortal one. I slipped down the halls and into the night, knowing that eventually that toilet would reach downstairs and flood it a bit. I run and ran laughing at how simple my escape was. I would get back. I would out smart them! I WOULD. . . run into a tree and knock myself unconscious until Kakuzu and Hidan found me three days later. I had only made it 45 yards away from the hotel.


	5. Welcome to the Pony's Cabaret

An interesting story spread throughout the land. The Diarreah Massacre they called it. When Hidan finally stopped his business and the pipes were fixed and cleaned up, Kakuzu was given a bill of 1,568,927.43 yen. Do I need to say WHY he killed them all? Well, they caught me, after three days. Which is apparently how long it took for Hidan to get over the shits. I sugared the moron up by saying I wanted to witness a Jashin sacrifice ceromony. Of course he stayed wary of me and wouldn't let me prepare food or clothes or anything.

"I'm sorry about making you break your commandments and stuff." He tossed an odd look over his shoulder before ignoring me once again. I didn't really feel bad of course but you can't go around telling S-class criminals that.

"When'd you do that?" It came out as a high pitch grunt that made me think of all the times I was called an idiot. That under lying tone in the voice. I recognized it and I'll be damned if he got away with it.

"Uhhh. . . when I made you sick and unable to pray or sacrifice anything for three days." I think I hear Kakuzu giggling. Just like a bitchy school girl. It was actually disturbing and made me wish I didn't bring the subject up. It would be kinda touchy.

"Devote believers don't let little, insignificant things stand between them and their Kami. I didn't break any commandments, nor do I plan to." He sounded proud of this little fact, but the mystery lies within, HOW did he complete his religious needs while nature continuously called him that day? And is he calling ME little and insignificant or what I did? I let it slide because I didn't want to keep bringing up how much I screwed them up. But I did unite them on something. They keep saying 'This woman is the reason we're late.' It wasn't so much as saying as nagging though. It seemed like they were a married couple finally agreeing on something.

"Are you guys gay lovers or a couple?" The words tumbled out of my mouth before I thought. Oh, how I wished they'd come back. Both men stopped and looked at me with murder in their eyes.

"What. Did. You. Say." Ideas of money an Jashin tossed aside, I would die.

"Uhhh. I said,'how long til you guys love me again? A day or a couple?' You guys still seemed pretty pissed and if you were still mad how can I witness a sacrifice or money management that will carry me through life?" They might have bought it. They faced away from me.

"That's what we thought you said. The next people we come across are gonna be sent to Jashin. Don't worry. And don't you dare start acting like or try to learn something from this tight wad. I'll kill you." Maybe I should just try warming up to one of them. They aren't exactly two peas in a pod.

Well, sacrifice time came fairly quickly. We came across weirdo hunter nin from . . . The Village of Pink Ponies? I know I'm reading that wrong. I need glasses. "Uhh, excuse me. What village are you from?"

"Pink Ponies. We, like, totally started our own, like, village, and like, named it ourselves. Then we totally let only certain people in, and others are so like jealous, but like we need money so we had like a mando awesome idea on being hunter nin." What the, no. _Who_ the hell taught them to speak? She had blonde hair in a neat braid and blue eyes and boobs. Like whatever like made her become like a ninja?

"Like totally." Someone stood behind her nodding in agreement. She looked like blondie's lesser clone. It was kinda freaky. Pushing those thoughts aside, I locked my conscious in a box and bitched about if they were this annoying all the time, we'd be doing society a favor. I also had plans to ask Hidan to help me hunt down their village.

"So, wanna practice the sacrifice thingy with them?"

". . . I think it would be a sin to kill these girls and have them sent to Jashin-sama." I see his point.

"So you'd rather stand here and listen to them talk to _us?_" He was thinking. And thinking.

"Okay let's slaughter them. Who knows, they may be worthy of Jashin's time." Yeah, right.

They attacked, we attacked. They broke a nail, they cried. We hadn't the heart to kill them. So Kakuzu just robbed them blind. And right there, where he said money makes the world go round, something happened. I imagined him singing and dancing in that movie Cabaret. (youtube .com /watch?v=rkRIbUT6u7Q) I burst out laughing. They looked at me like I was crazy, but I kept at it. I also started singing, "Money vakes the vorld go round. The vorld go round." Again and again while pointing at Kakuzu.

"Oh yeah. We totally have these senbons that totally make you hallucinate."

"Yeah totally." The blonde flipped her hair in a weird imitation of her friend. "Uh, right now you should totally be careful cause she might kick you in the groin to see if it makes a cllinking clanking sound."

"What?"

"Don't worry Whitey. Only Kakuzu, cause he's the one making her sing. She might also expect you to break out into song at spontanious moments. Bye." They ran, leaving two confused men at the crossroads.

"Sing the money song!"

"What?"

"Sing damn you. And let me see your pants." Lulu advanced.

"Get away from me. Until the stuff wears off." She persisted.

"Come on cabaret man! Sing! Dance! Where's Liza? Macarena, buck, or pound!"

"Hidan, damn it help. I don't want to kill my pay off."

". . . And I didn't want food poisoning or to be given a nutcracker or have my head cut off or drag this bitch to a brothel. Payback comes in mini bitch sizes." Hidan sat down on the ground and watch Lulu skillfully dogde Kakuzu's attacks left and right. Several occasions she kicked his gonads demanding the clinking, clanking, clunking sound. Several occasions she screamed for Liza Minnelli. Several occasions she used chakra string to make him dance make him lip sync while she sang so off beat, Hidan realized why the caged bird sings. To drown out the talentless broads owning them.

**Review. I don't know what possessed me to write this chapter.**


	6. West Side Story Lulu Style

In an omnimous forest, the deadly silence was shattered by two shinobi, dictated by a seemingly harmless child. Sweat pooled down Kakuzu's and Hidan's face as the pressure slowly began to get to them. Birds scattered as the battle began.

"I feel pretty." (Hidan)

"Oh so pretty. (Kakuzu)

"I feel pretty." (Lulu) All three were starting to sing together. "And witty and bright!"

Lulu jumped out from behind a tree in a pink tu-tu. "And I pity, any body."

Hidan and Kakuzu jumped out at the same time in magenta and lavender leotards landing to the left and right of Lulu. "Who isn't me tonight!" They twirled in the air kicking their legs. "Fa la la la la. La la la la." They tippy toed behind a tree in front of them.

"I love that song." Lulu squeaked happily. Kakuzu and Hidan groaned while keeping a forced smile on their faces. It had been about three days since the weird poison had taken effect. Needless to say, it didn't seem to have worn down yet. Here they were singing and sometimes dancing to keep her happy because if they didn't the poison did something even more weird. They found this out the first hour she was infected. She suddenly got seizures and vomitted like the chick on the exorcist. Hell, she was the chick on the exorcist.

"Again, again, again!" Keeping her happy was easy. Not killing her was hard. "Hidan be a choo choo train! Kazuku be his passager. Jump on the choo choo's back and ride him." They complied like little machines.

When Kakuzu jumped on Hidan's back, he knocked the scythe into his shoulder. "Hey watch out! Do you know how many people die from cutting each and every - HOLY FUCK! Now I'm doing it!"

Lulu stopped and turned around. "You're doing Kazuku? But he's supposed to be on top!" She pouted. This disturbed Hidan to no end. He widened his eyes. He stood still. And then he screamed a steady pace of obcenities resulting in Kakuzu on the ground and Hidan trying to kill Lulu with a scythe. "Hidan's being mean! Kazuku serade him and say you love him!" Everything stopped, frozen in time. The two partners made eye contact. And stay locked in a quiet understanding of emotion and feeling.

_The girl must die._

"That's it!" Kakuzu started. "I don't care if you are drugged, I think it's time to kill you."

Lulu shrugged and then asked in a serious voice, "I was drugged? Is that why I was PMSing a coupla days ago and acting anorexic?" She stood deep in thought for a moment. "That wore off like an hour after I got infected or whatever. I thought you were just being nice to me as a way to make up selling me to a brothel." Lulu heard a horrible bashing sound. "Hey are you guys okay?" They had collapsed. The battle had ended with them the royal fools.

* * *

"This is going a little too far, dontcha think?"

"No." They answered together. _I brought them closer then ever. If they could survive me, then they could survive anything as long as they have each other. . . That sounds so gay. When they sell me to that brothel, I'll write a book on them and make 'em sound like the gayest people in the world. Kakuzu is the seme. Hidan the uke._

Lulu's scatterbrain ideas began to form when the two assholes holding on to her decided the best method to carrying her to the brothel would be to hog tie her to a big stick. It was down right degrading. _Well I guess it's okay for people to think that. Funny, too._

"What's funny?"

"HUH?" Lulu's head shot up to stare at Hidan's eyes. "I don't know what you're talking about." _I feel dizzy._

"You just said 'Well I guess it's okay for people to think that. Funny, too.' So what's so funny?" Lulu shrunk into the far recesses of her mind where a group of mini Lulus held a conference and came up with two plausible roads to take. There was a third, but it got discarded when Lulu #47 reminded everyone they had no goldfish, hoards of cats, nor a marble.

**Road 1: Tell him she was thinking of him being gay with Kakuzu and making money off of it.**

**Road 2: Lie her ass off.**

* * *

**1:**

"I thought about telling everyone you and Kakuzu were gay in a book I would write when you sold me. Also how you use your abilities in a kinky way with each other." A cord wrapped around Lulu's neck and sliced her head off.

"Why the fuck did you do that for!" Hidan fingered his scythe, ready to attack.

"She would have written of our abilities. We don't need to lose that edge in battle. We might die."

"Yeah right. Some cocky brat from the Leaf Village is going to find a way to kill me using just his brains for some weird vendetta. And some jinchuuruki is gonna get you with some attack I've never heard of. Is that what you're thinking. I bet you just wanted to keep our relationship secret."

"Don't forget all our moves." Kakuzu tackled Hidan and proceeded to have hot butt sex together.

When they finished, Hidan turned his head to the left and stared at Lulu's head, which face them. "WAIT! Damn it! Why the fuck couldn't I sacrifice the bitch instead!? And not to mention I was the uke!"

Kakuzu shrugged. " 'Cause this is Lulu's screwed fantasy mind playback and she sees me as the one in charge."

* * *

**2:**

"I was thinking of how people see that symbol hanging around your neck and then spot me tied up like this." I tried to answer nonchalantly, but I didn't know what that word meant.

"And. . .?" Hidan motioned his hands signalling her to speed up. "What? Damn bitch, hurry it up. I hate waiting."

"That's Sasori." Kakuzu raised an eyebrow and head butted Hidan to get in front of my face. Of course with no one holding me up I fell to the ground and had to stare up at them, breaking the limits of personal space. Damn they had bad breath.

"He gots split personalities."

"That's Zetsu." They moved closer.

"He'll blow you up."

"That's Deidara." They moved closer.

"He controls paper."

"That's Konan." They moved closer.

"How the hell do you know this shit? Crap like that is confidential unless you fought and know them but you ain't dead." They moved closer.

"Look at each other." The turned to look at each and ended up kissing. They grabbed the shoulders of each other and pushed. "See the importance of personal space? Respect it damn it. Now back to the task at hand. People will just assume that this is some kind of Jashinist sacrifice method or ritual if they see me tied up and being led around to a brothel." I changed the conversation quick. "I feel sunny! I feel fizzy and funny and fine."

"Fuck Kakuzu. Get this bitch down!" Frantically, Hidan pulled and yanked at the offending ropes. Lulu stayed still and yelled "OW!" in a bored tone every five seconds.

"Don't you moron. She saying that on purpose to get us to follow her."

"Either way, I'm not some heathen who would risk smudging Jashin-sama's good name and reputation."

"She made us into ballerinas." Hidan stopped messing with the ropes for a second before started again. He looked so deep in pain.

* * *

**Which path do you think she took? Which is more realistic and awesome. Which doesn't leave this fiction with a crappy end?**

Lulu fell to the ground. "Thank you my bitches." She slapped their backs. And then took their hands and made them slap the others butts. "Sorry, but I would like something concrete to stretch about." She ran away in a last second atempt to stay alive, protected, and free. "I feel stunning and cunning. Feel like running and dancing with JOY!" Or in other words, she ran blindly forward into the brothel they planned to sell her to.

Hidan snickered. "The west side of this town is the sleaziest, with all the brothels and bars. She shoulda saw it coming." He put his hands in his pocket. "Why do I condom marked for Kakuzu!?"

* * *

**A/N: The random Akatsuki knowledge is put ino effect next chapter. The beginning is a little funny. And the end might becoming soon unless you want me to drag it out more.**


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